Today starts a real vacation.
I am not taking it at the end of a work trip.
I am not doing any site inspections.
I am not even staying in a hotel, WHAT?
Many moons ago when I was spry, skinny and single, Aunt Dena was my traveling companion.
She and I would travel together, go to markets, see art, ride bikes and see the world.
When I met my husband, he became my new traveling companion and Dena and I have not been on a solo trip since.
Last year I saw a speaker who posed some questions:
"What have been your favorite trips?"
"What moments have brought you joy?"
Who has it been with?"
Aunt Dena was a part of most of those adventures so last year I set a goal for this year to take a solo trip with her.
Today, the trip starts.
We are going to Oregon to ride bikes.
Being a slight germ-a-phobe and loving the fit of my own helmet on my own ponytail, I packed my helmet and suitcase and headed to the airport.
While waiting for other passengers to board my flight I saw the middle seat mate had arrived, and boy did she ARRIVE!
She was trying to shove her full suitcase under the middle seat.
A concerned airline attendant said:
"M'am, that won't fit under the seat, you can't put that there"
Middle seatmate: "Oh sure it can, I do it all the time. I use it as my footstool"
Another airline attendant swooped in from the back of the airplane to assess the situation. The line in front of the middle seatmate had grown. She was clearly holding up the boarding process when she said:
"If I can't have my suitcase under my feet what will I use for my footstool? I am very short, do you have a footstool?" Audible gasps and giggles broke out around her. Also, this woman was taller than me at 5 foot 2, and although most times my feet do not touch the ground in a chair, an airplane seat is not one of those times so we knew this weirdo was full of malarkey. The rear airline attendant took action.
He said: "Here's what we're going to do. You're going to use your backpack as your footstool and I am going to take your suitcase and put it into the overhead bin for you and you are going to find your seat so we can board everyone on this airplane on time" It was the verbal "shove to your seat" we all needed, and she did just that.
As she loaded into her seat, me on the window and a nice young man on the aisle, she pushed both of us around with her very large horizontal pillow that had an uncertain brown/red stain. I am not saying it was blood but I am saying it was uncertain. It was gross. Also, this lady's hair was so long and wild. Now, I have quite a long hair mane myself, but I try to keep it tame when in close quarters as to not whip the face of my seat mates. THIS was not this lady's protocol. She was lashing around in her seat adjusting her "footstool" whipping her hair into him, into me, and shoving that bloody pillow into both of our sides. I scootched closer to the window to avoid it all and my poor aisle man had nowhere to escape and just accepted the hairy pillow abuse. Once the middle seat got settled she pulled out 5 pages of Sudoku! It wasn't a book, it was not bound, it was loose leaf sheets of paper with faded printer ink of Sudoku. It looked like it was already done and she was grading someone's paper.
I had to snap a pic of this but really wanted to get a pic of her wild mane, but I chickened out. When she grew tired of her already completed Sudoku she pulled out an unlabled small travel bottle of spray and STARTED SPRAYING IT INTO THE AIR! You can't make this stuff up. It smelled so bad. People around us started sniffling, sneezing, coughing and I heard one gag. It smelled like cinnamon, Patchouli, and eucalyptus all in one nasal blast. It was awful. I had to take action.
I said: "Excuse me, can you not spray that again? I have asthma and I am very susceptible to potent scents and this is triggering an asthma attack for me."
She said: "Oh, I get it, I have allergies too, that's why I have to spray it because I am allergic to the synthetic air of the airplane"
WHAT THE WHAT?
Aside from not knowing the difference between allergies and asthma, this lady was batshit bananas. She had either never ridden and airplane before or simply just did not give a shit.
In between my coughs, throat clearing and wheezing, I said: "Well, as long as you're comfortable"
She then took her witch spray out, looked at me directly in the eyes and SHE SPRAYED IT AGAIN! I heard sighs from the surrounding seatmates.
I seethed in silence for the rest of the flight.
When we arrived and waited for our turn to deplane she noticed that I pulled my backpack (footstool) out from under my seat and that my helmet was attached to the top. She said to me "Oh my God, are you bike riding? I can't believe you're bike riding, it's going to be so hot." I looked at her with a blank stare and said nothing. I did not acknowledge or respond to her.
This was my face after most of her antics. I have had some bad seatmates in the past but this one was the worst. I mean, I've had people fall asleep on me, spill drinks on me, and use loud cuss words on speakerphones, but none of that compares to this jerk face.
We left the aircraft and luckily left middle seat mania in the dust.
As I arrived at the airport there was a nice lady playing the accordion to welcome us. I loved this lady. It was even more special because my grandpa and I used to dance to Polka music at family weddings and the main accompaniment for Polka music is an accordion. Seeing as how Aunt Dena is Grandpa's kid and I was embarking on an adventure with her, it was nice to know he was with us in spirit to musically bless the trip.
Dena picked me up at the airport, we picked up our bikes, and then went straight to a fresh Farmer's market. We got a bunch of goodies for the week and the freshest berries we'd both ever seen in our lives. The blackberries didn't stand a chance on the ride home in rush-hour traffic and were gone in 30 minutes flat. They were so good. We are excited to sown the strawberries and cherries the rest of the week.
At the bike shop, we made friends with a naked wooden bike man named Eugene. (cover picture of this post)
The rest of the day we chatted, plotted our day 1 of bike rides, went to the grocery and had dinner at a most delicious Mediterranean dinner a cute little spot right next to the grocery store!
Looking forward to some bike fun, in the fresh non witchy sprayed air.
Stay tuned for other stories of the trip and fingers crossed my seatmate home is a little less intrusive.
For more of Mandi Graziano's brain trails, click here. If you have an idea for her to explore or an airplane adventure to which she should know, reach out.
#biketourism #bikevacation #travelstories #wanderlust #portland #portlandoregon #portlandbikestories #portlandbikerental #airplanestories #familytravel
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